Out of Chaos

Let me give you a taste of what is like to live in our home.

Every morning Abby and I wake up to either Jackie or Jeanette pounding on our bedroom door screaming "Carrie Mummy! Abby Mummy! Victoria/Naomi/Jackie/Jeanette beating! She beating Sister!" When they say "beating" they really mean light slap, but you get the picture. I tumble out of bed and open the door to find two of our four blind children running around full speed in their pajamas tripping over their sisters and knocking each other over. They're completely over stimulated and it's only 7:30 in the morning. I often times find Rebekah standing in the middle of her bedroom crying because she needs help with her school uniform and she doesn't yet know any better way to communicate. Naomi is always busy hiding her sisters' shoes and underwear all over the house, while Heidi and Angel are covered head to toe in the rice they were supposed to eat for breakfast. All the beds reek of pee as we discover that over half our girls wet the bed. All of the girls' school shoes have somehow disappeared since the night before, and no one can find the correct school uniform. The bus is running twenty minutes late, but that's ok because someone just peed all over the floor on their way to the bathroom. 

It is utter chaos.

That's the beauty of it. Out of all the chaos, our girls are finding new life. They are discovering life in Jesus. They are discovering what it's like to have a family and parents who love them. A few of them are discovering this for the first time. 

Back when I started this blog I called it Life is Being Found. It is a reference to one of my favorite songs, Beautiful Things by Gungor. The lyric I identify most with says "Out of chaos, life is being found in You."

How true that is. Life is chaotic. Especially life as a foster mother to twelve children with disabilities in India. Out of all our chaos life is being found. True life in Jesus is being found. 

Every night Abby and I put our girls to sleep bedroom by bedroom. Our preteen girls have the latest bedtime, so we make it to them last. Phoebe is always bursting with excitement to lead us in a nighttime prayer. She prays to our God in her native language and it is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. This eleven year old girl really loves the Lord and yearns to be close with Him. Not only that, but she is eager to make sure her sisters do the same. She encourages Victoria, Paula, and Stephanie to take turns praying as well. Phoebe loves leading her younger sisters in worship songs. She is bursting with love for Jesus and she can't wait to share it with everyone she meets. 

Esther shines with a love and light that can only be from God. She has this radiating smile that you can't look at without seeing Jesus. Esther is full of so much joy.

Heidi, Chelsea, and Angel love to sing a new children's worship song I taught them a few weeks ago. The chorus says "I'll do my best, I'll do my best WHOA! I'll do my best for You. Woo woo woo!" During the WHOA! We throw our arms out to the side and our bodies swing like we're being knocked over by a wave. The girls giggle hysterically and I think about how God's love is just like that. 

The love the Lord pours out upon me knocks me over like a wave every day. Every day I wake up to complete chaos and His love astounds me. I walk out of my bedroom and am bombarded by twelve screaming girls. And it's in those moments that I feel His love most heavily. How lucky am I that God chose ME of all people to live this life? How blessed am I to get to love these twelve amazing girls and be on this amazing journey with the Lord? I'm not worthy of His love. I'm really not. I'm just as messed up as the next person. Even as I live this life in India, I struggle with just as much sin as I did in America. My life is so chaotic. But I am finding life in Jesus. His love overwhelms me and knocks me off my feet. It's amazing. His love for me is amazing. His love for my girls is astounding. I am so overjoyed that life is being found in Jesus.

Here we stand, our hearts are Yours. Not our will but Yours be done.

I'm Home

I haven't been blogging as much as I would like to lately. Ideally I would like to post two or three times a week, but that just hasn't been happening. I feel like I have told you all a lot about my girls and what is going on with them, but I haven't told you much about what is going on with me.

So here goes. A blog post about my life lately in India.

I absolutely LOVE living in Ongole. I never want to leave. I love my girls more than anything and I can't imagine not being their mom. I love fostering. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is so amazing. I love this city and feel so at home here.

Ongole is considered a village by most Indians. The population is a little larger than Knoxville, so it doesn't feel small to me! It isn't clean whatsoever. I rarely see real cars that are used as a family or personal vehicle. True American food is a thing of the past, and I eat more and more like an Indian each day. The city is loud, crowded, and far from what I used to consider home.

I'm not going to lie - my first couple weeks in India were HARD. I cried 5-8 times a day for the first two weeks. I hated living in Ongole. I didn't feel prepared to be a mom. I only knew 5 Telugu words and couldn't communicate with anyone. December 8th felt years away, and I wanted to go home. I thought I might have made a mistake by coming to India. Oh how wrong I was.

Ongole is my home. My girls are my family.

I walk down the streets of Ongole with a smile on my face. I love hailing rickshaw autos and telling drivers to go away when they try to overcharge me. I love learning Telugu from my nurse friends who work here. Lalitha, a nurse about my age, has quickly become one of my closest friends. We talk, laugh, and tease each other every day. She talks to me about my life in America, and I talk to her about her Indian life outside of SCH. I'm thankful to have an Indian friend who is just as sassy as I am. :)

I am quickly picking up more Telugu, and will be starting formal lessons in a few weeks. I've learned enough that I can communicate more efficiently with my Indian staff, as well as tell my girls useful commands like "go to sleep!"

I'm doing things I swore I would never do. When I first arrived there were certain Indian customs I never wanted to become my norm. But now I buy live chickens to cook, eat with my hands, use the squatty potty in my bathroom, balance things on my head to carry, and sometimes eat rice for breakfast. No worries though - I still use toilet paper and I am NEVER going full Indian on that front.

India really is my home now. Before I graduated high school, I really felt like I wasn't following God's will by applying to colleges. Once I started college I felt like I was flat out disobeying God. I felt like this my freshman year, and felt it even stronger after I returned from my first trip to India last summer. Hear me out - I am incredibly thankful for the two years that I spent in school. I learned so much and made friends I never would have otherwise. Most of my closest friends I either met or rekindled with in college. God definitely worked in my life during those two years. He stretched me and grew me tremendously. He put me through extremely hard things, refining my heart and preparing to send it to India.

But I still don't think it is where He wanted me to be. He definitely used my time spent in school, but ultimately I never once felt like I was in the center of His will.

Living in my tiny apartment with my six wonderful girls is different. I finally feel like I am in the center of God's will. I am exactly where He wants me, and it brings me inexplicable joy to know that.

This is my home. This is my life, and I love every second of it. I love Heidi, Angel, Naomi, Chelsea, Paula, and Stephanie. I love all the other kids at SCH. I love hosting volunteer teams that come through and seeing them love on our kids. I love the other missionaries fostering here. I love the city. I love the simplicity. I love the chaos. I love it all.

God placed me here for it to become my new home, for my girls to become my new family. And I praise Him every second of every day for doing so.

Forgetting the American Dream

I won’t normally post blogs two days in a row, but today I just wanted to share what was on my mind. I just finished doing my laundry for the first time in India. Using two small buckets filled with unsanitary water on a porch less than three feet wide, I hand washed each item one by one. And let me tell you - IT WAS HARD. I was out there for nearly two hours profusely sweating in the Indian heat as I scrubbed my clothes with my bare hands. I found a scrub brush (I had absolutely no idea how it was previously used) and used it to scrub any stains out of my clothes. By the time I was finished, I was physically exhausted, dehydrated, and emotionally drained. 

I know a lot of people might read this and think “Wow, that really opens your eyes to how lucky we are to live in America and have these modern comforts.” And I see your point; I really do. It’s sort of like that old phrase “You never know what you have until it’s gone.” That just isn’t what my eyes were opened to. 

Now you might be expecting me to go on some rant about how we in America have way too much and “how can we be living like that when there is so much poverty all over the world?” But that isn’t what was laid on my heart either. 

My eyes were opened to how messed up our attitude is in America. Now I know everyone doesn’t feel like this, but where I am from I hear an awful lot of “We have what we do because we work hard for it.” 

Pushing all political ideologies aside, I think that’s how most Americans think deep down. Conservatives would phrase this belief much different than liberals and Christians much different than Atheists, but deep down I think most Americans believe if you work hard, you become successful both in riches and in pleasure.

It’s the American Dream. 

But I think it’s flawed. 

By stating that those who work hard succeed, we are implying that the unsuccessful (or the poor) don’t work hard. And that is just not the case. 

I see poor people every single day. My apartment is in a poor colony on the edge of town. Every night I see people sleeping outside, some on woven cots and many on the ground. I see entire families living in one roomed huts without power or plumbing. I see children running around naked, playing in fields of trash alongside wild hogs. Across the street from our little neighborhood, there is a slum. Every day I walk past tents made out of ratted pieces of tarp, bedsheets, and towels. There are far more people in that slum than there is room for. 

These people aren’t living in poverty because they don’t work hard. In fact, I think the opposite is true. There is nothing easy about hand washing your own clothes. And that is just a daily chore. Driving a little rickshaw auto around town for 10-12 hours a day making 10 rupees (that’s 16 cents USD) per rider isn’t easy. Leaving your family and the village you’ve lived in your entire life to go work 24/7 at an orphanage as a nurse or ayah isn’t easy. 

Some of these people are considered well off in India. Many of them are not. But compared to what many Americans and people in other developed countries are making, most of them are poor. And let me tell you, it certainly isn’t because they aren’t working hard. 

Now in India there is a caste system and a lot more plays into social mobility. But I won’t go into that right now. There are poor people here in India. I am living alongside some of them. There are poor people in all parts of Asia, all parts of Africa, all parts of South America, all parts of Europe, Australia, and North America. There are people living in poverty all over the world.

And I think if we ever want to end poverty, if we ever want to help those in need, our attitudes need to change. 

We have to stop giving to charity or dropping an envelope in the church offering plate with the thought “I’m glad I can help those who are less fortunate.” Whether you’re Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, Agnostic, Atheist, or any religion, whether you are conservative, liberal, or in between, you have to get rid of these notions we have about the poor. You have to quit thinking that the poor are poor because they don’t work hard. You have to forget the American Dream.

Because the American Dream doesn’t always work. Some people work harder than I ever have in my life yet they can’t escape the cycle of poverty. They can’t afford a college education to get a good job. They were raised in the ghettos or slums and never got the chance to get out. That happens here in India, it happens in Africa, it happens on the streets in Europe and on the streets of your hometown in America. 

Poverty happens everywhere. We are never going to be able to end it unless our attitudes start to change. So stop thinking “Man are we blessed/lucky/fortunate to have what we do.” Stop thinking “I’m proud that I’ve worked hard so that my family can have a comfortable life.” 

Acknowledge that people living in poverty work just as hard as we do. Acknowledge that some people living in poverty work harder than we do. Get to know someone living in poverty and form a relationship with them. Stop giving out of pity and guilt and start giving to help out a new friend, an entire family, an unseen face, an orphan oversees, just give to someone in need. But don’t stop there. Don’t give and then check “helping end poverty” off your list. Form relationships with people in your community. Read blogs of people living oversees and find ways to help their communities. Listen to the needs of the poor and meet them. Instead of giving someone $20, help them fill out a job application. 

I firmly believe that ending poverty is possible. But it isn’t going to happen until the attitudes of the rich change. My prayer for you is this: 

May your eyes be opened to people struggling everywhere. May you become aware of needs in your own backyard and across the world. May your attitude change and may you lose sight of living the American Dream. May your eyes be opened to all of those working hard and still living in poverty. May you be led to form relationships with them. May we all band together, the rich, the poor, and the in between to put an end to poverty.

Relentlessly

I spent a long time today thinking about God’s love for us. As I prepare to go to India, I have to constantly remind myself that I am doing this to serve God and no one else, not even my girls. I love my girls SO much. Not a minute goes by that I am not thinking of them, praying for them, and wishing I was already back in India by their sides. I would sacrifice everything I have for them.

But I am not doing this for them. 

I am going to India to serve God. I am going to India because five years ago God called me to work in an orphanage for children with disabilities in a country where they are casted out from society. I am going to India because God introduced me to SCH two years ago and has had me pray for them every day since. I am going to India to be with my Father. He created me, pursued me, loved me, and died for me. And I have to give every ounce of myself back to Him. 

A year ago, I was in a relationship with someone I loved very much. Without realizing it I had put him far above where God was in my life. Our relationship didn’t end on the prettiest of roads, and when I realized it was over I was devastated. I was broken. This person who I had invested so much in left me and didn’t turn back. 

I remember crying out to God, “Why did you let this happen? Why did you let me love him so deeply if it was just going to end? Lord, I’ve already forgiven him for the things he’s done wrong. I would welcome him back with open arms. Please God, I love him no matter what.”

I’ve never heard God speak to me as plainly as he did that day. He said, “Carrie, do you not see that is EXACTLY how I love you, but infinitely times so? I have already forgiven you of everything. I love you when you run away. I pursue you when you put other things before me. I will never stop pursuing you, never stop loving you. I am yours and you are mine. I love you no matter what.”

In that moment I finally began to realize how deeply God loves me. It took me falling in love and losing that person, being in what felt like unbearable pain from being rejected by the one whom I loved, to understand that God loves me just like that except deeper. Deeper than my mind can even begin to fathom. He loves me unconditionally. Relentlessly. His love for me never ends and it never fails. He loves me no matter what.

I just opened my Bible and a folded piece of paper fell out. It was a picture Heidi drew last summer. It’s actually just a bunch of scribbles made with a blue crayon. The paper is torn about a fourth of the way down and it looks like it is falling apart. Anyone else would look at it and think it’s trash, but to me it is one of the most special things I own. I have a little part of Heidi here with me. 

Heidi’s picture fell into my lap and I began to cry. I’m coming for you baby. I’ll be in Ongole so soon. When Marla Mummy leaves you won’t be alone. I’m coming for you and I will love you, care for you, and pray for you more and more as each day passes. I will never stop loving you. Never stop pursuing you. I will never stop giving you everything I am.

I couldn’t love Heidi like this if I didn’t know of my Father’s love for me. He loves me. He’s coming for me. He will never stop loving me or pursuing me. He will never stop giving me everything He has. I am His and He is mine. 

I serve a Father who loves Heidi. I serve a Father who loves Angel. I serve a Father who loves Chelsea, Paula, Stephanie, and Naomi. I serve a Father who loves me. 

He is bringing the seven of us together to become a family, and for that I could not be more thankful. He is bringing me to India to serve Him through loving my girls and becoming their mom. I am so in awe of a God who seeks out His children whether they be orphans in India or a lost, privileged girl in America. I am so thankful He pursues us and brings us into His Kingdom. 

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.” -John 14:18-20

Jesus promised not to leave us as orphans. He adopted me into his Kingdom. He adopted my girls into his Kingdom. He gave my girls a home. He gave my girls a foster mom. But most importantly, He gave my girls an everlasting Father.