I remember the first moment I met Heidi. Last summer, my team and I were gearing up for our first day of preschool English camp when the SCH car arrived full of kids. Hannah, one of our older school girls, helped the little ones out on to the sidewalk. Then she turned and placed Heidi in my arms. Heidi was SO tiny. I remember her wrapping her arms around my neck and resting her head on my shoulder. I was immediately overwhelmed with a huge love for this girl.
The more I got to know her last summer, the more I fell in love. Heidi was perfect. She has Down Syndrome and she didn't talk, but that didn't make her any less of a person. I knew that God made her fearfully and wonderfully. And I knew that God made me knowing that I would one day enter into this girl's life.
After I left India last summer, I missed Heidi every single day. For months I would stalk SCH foster moms and volunteers on Facebook looking for new pictures of Heidi and updates on my baby girl.
When I felt God calling me back to foster, it was obvious that I was supposed to go to her home. My heart longed to be back in India loving her and my other girls. God placed this bond on my heart, linking me to Heidi. There wasn't a day that went by where my thoughts weren't consumed with the memories I had of this sweet little girl.
In March we discovered Heidi's tonsils and adenoids were swollen and blocking more than 75% of her airway. She quickly had a surgery scheduled to remove her tonsils and adenoids. Her old foster mom sent me a message detailing everything, and my heart broke. I knew this wasn't a major surgery. Kids have their tonsils out all the time. But Heidi was in Hyderabad for the surgery and her old foster mom wasn't. She was back in Ongole with the other girls. The thought of Heidi going through this without a mom sickened me. I wanted so badly to hop on a plane the very next day and be there with her. I wanted to carry her into the hospital, and lay her down in the bed. I wanted to hold her hand as they gave her the anesthesia, and be by her side as she drifted off to sleep. I wanted my face to be the first thing she saw when she woke up from the surgery. I wanted her to know I loved her and be comforted that her mom wasn't putting her through this alone.
I also knew these weren't exactly realistic expectations. If I really had hopped on a plane and shown up the day before her surgery, I would have been a stranger. Even worse, I would have been a very white stranger who didn't fit in at all. Heidi probably wouldn't have recognized me and my presence wouldn't have helped things much. If Heidi needed a surgery like this now, things would be be different. I would be a huge comfort to her. But I'm still not everything she needs.
Heidi needs a real mom.
She needs a real mom and a real dad. Heidi needs a family. While our little family is great, living at SCH is not the best thing for her. She is still an orphan here. Over time, some of her foster sisters will probably be adopted. She might receive new foster sisters, and maybe new foster parents. A time will come when I have to leave SCH. As much as it breaks my heart to think about it, I know it is true. I love my girls and I love being their mom. But I am like a band-aid covering their wounds of abandonment. I stop the bleeding and help wipe away the tears, but I don't heal the wound. I am not Heidi's forever mommy.
I love Heidi and I am dead serious when I say that if Heidi is still here in five years, I WILL adopt her. But I hope and pray every single day that is not the case. She doesn't need to spend five more years here waiting for me to become eligible to pursue her. She needs a family NOW. Heidi needs loving parents who choose to fight for her and walk alongside her forever. She needs parents who love her unconditionally and who choose to lay down their lives for their beautiful daughter. She needs a forever family.
Every night long after my girls fall asleep, I go and check on each one of them. As I watch all six sleep soundly, I pray that their forever families are out there. If I could adopt all six of my girls right now I would. I honestly really would adopt all six of them in a heartbeat. But that isn't possible. I know the Lord has great plans for my girls, and I dearly hope His plans involve six forever families.
I hold Heidi and wonder how I will ever be able to let her go. With a smile, I imagine one day handing her over to her parents. I imagine completely letting go of my baby girl and giving her to something so much better. I hope and pray Heidi's family is out there fighting for her, pursuing her, and praying for her every day. She has so much love to give and so much love she needs to receive.
I can't think of a better way I could love her than surrendering her completely to the Lord and trusting that He has a family out there for her. If it is the Lord's plan for me to one day become her real mom, than I pray he keeps her safe until that day. But I really hope He has different plans. I hope she is long gone and home with her family by the time I turn 25.
Join me in praying for Heidi and all my other girls. They need families. Pray that the adoption process speeds up, and that all our kids at SCH make it home soon. They need mommies and daddies who will be with them forever.
I post this verse a lot, but God really lays it on my heart every time I think about adoption. Jesus says in John 14:18 "I will not leave you as orphans. I will come to you." I know that wherever my girls end up, they are not orphans of God. He is their Heavenly Father and will never abandon them. They are His.
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