It's A Good Life

I have fifteen days left with my kids. I can't believe I'm this close to leaving. It feels like the six months flew by, but at the same time I feel like I left the US a lifetime ago.

Whenever I think about going back to the US, I am overwhelmed with emotion. I can't wait to burst through the gate in the Knoxville airport and see everyone I know and love. I miss my friends and family so much it hurts. My heart yearns to be back in a community of people who love and support me unconditionally.

Then I think of leaving the kids. How am I going to leave them? I can't imagine leaving them here without a foster parent to love and care for them. Am I damaging them further by leaving? Am I just another name on a long list of people who have abandoned them? I know that's not true, but do the kids understand that? They've had three incredibly loving and amazing foster moms who were here before me. The girls talk about them a lot and understand that all three of them love the girls even though they went back to America. So I know the girls won't have ill feelings towards me, but I still feel awful about leaving them. That's how it's always been for them. Someone comes and loves them deeply, then after several months she leaves. That's how our girls know love. And it breaks my heart.

I'm so thankful God sent me here to love the girls for the time that he did. I'm so thankful he sent Abby here to love them alongside me. I'm so thankful for Haley, Jenny, and Marla who loved the girls long before I came along. I'm so thankful for the future foster moms who will come along and continue to love our girls. More than anything, I am thankful for the forever families who are fighting for their children and anxiously awaiting the day they come home. I pray that every one of our kids has a forever family out there.

Honestly, I am scared of what's going to happen to the girls when I leave. I love the girls as if they are my own daughters or younger sisters. Learning to trust God completely and release the girls to him is the hardest thing I've ever done.

It's hard, but it's beautiful. There is truly nothing more beautiful than trusting that God has a plan for every single one of them. He's always provided for them and he's not going to stop. He is their protector, their father, their hope.

So I hold on to the fact that I know he will not leave them as orphans. He will come to them. He will redeem them and give them new life.

I've faced several different reactions to me leaving. I've heard harsh words saying that I never should have come here and formed attachments with the girls only to turn around and leave them. I've been told that six months isn't enough of a sacrifice for the girls. I've been treated with a complete lack of respect or love. I've been hurt by people I once respected and looked up to. I've also heard words spoken out of love and with pure intentions that have hurt me just as deeply. Words such as "I'm so glad you decided to come home and finish your education. You're doing the right thing." Or "Aren't you excited to get out of that country and be back in America?"

I know people speak words like these completely out of love. I know that they miss me. I know that no one truly understands what this experience has been like for me. I've been on the other side of the world with limited contact for six months. No one has been beside me start to finish to see how I've changed. Most people will never be able to understand that my girls have become a part of me. That leaving them is the hardest thing I've ever done. I know that none of my friends will fully understand what it's like to become a mom to twelve children then lose it all within a matter of hours. No one will understand the guilt that I live with knowing that walking away was my choice.

Leaving is hard. To the people who have spoken harsh words, I know that you want what's best for the girls. I'm hurt but thankful that you value their hearts over mine. Your words had some truth. One year would be better for the kids than six months. Two years would be better than a year. But isn't six months better than nothing? Maybe you can't see it because you don't spend every day with the girls like I do. You haven't seen the girls grow and change in the same ways I have. My time here may have been short, but I am so thankful for every single day I've had with my girls. Each day has been beautiful, wonderful, and filled with a new adventure.

To the people who speak kind words about me coming home, please know this isn't easy for me. Yes, I'm excited to see my friends and family. I'm so excited to enroll back in school and pursue a degree that will lead me to fight for social justice. I'm thrilled that in a couple weeks I get to throw my arms around your neck and cry tears of joy. But be aware that my heart is broken. I feel guilty, lost, and full of grief. I'm not the same person I was when I left in June. I just ask that you give me grace and greet me with love and an attitude of understanding. When you ask if I'm glad to be home, expect my answer to be no, not completely. When you ask if I'm okay, know that the answer is no.

I'm not okay, but that's not a bad thing. When I return to the States, I'll have a lot to process and a lot to adjust to. But that's okay. It will just take time.

This is where I'm at. I have fifteen more days with the girls. I wish those fifteen days could last forever. But they'll come to an end faster than I'd like. Then before I know it, I'll be running through the gate in Knoxville and into the arms of everyone I love back home.

It's a good life. I'm thankful for a God who has taught me to find immense joy in times of pain. I'm thankful for a God who makes beautiful things out of us. I'm thankful that I found life here in India. I'm thankful that when I leave, my kids will continue to find freedom and life in Christ. I'm thankful for a God who will not leave any of us as orphans. I'm thankful for a God who comes and meets us where we are.