It's A Good Life

I have fifteen days left with my kids. I can't believe I'm this close to leaving. It feels like the six months flew by, but at the same time I feel like I left the US a lifetime ago.

Whenever I think about going back to the US, I am overwhelmed with emotion. I can't wait to burst through the gate in the Knoxville airport and see everyone I know and love. I miss my friends and family so much it hurts. My heart yearns to be back in a community of people who love and support me unconditionally.

Then I think of leaving the kids. How am I going to leave them? I can't imagine leaving them here without a foster parent to love and care for them. Am I damaging them further by leaving? Am I just another name on a long list of people who have abandoned them? I know that's not true, but do the kids understand that? They've had three incredibly loving and amazing foster moms who were here before me. The girls talk about them a lot and understand that all three of them love the girls even though they went back to America. So I know the girls won't have ill feelings towards me, but I still feel awful about leaving them. That's how it's always been for them. Someone comes and loves them deeply, then after several months she leaves. That's how our girls know love. And it breaks my heart.

I'm so thankful God sent me here to love the girls for the time that he did. I'm so thankful he sent Abby here to love them alongside me. I'm so thankful for Haley, Jenny, and Marla who loved the girls long before I came along. I'm so thankful for the future foster moms who will come along and continue to love our girls. More than anything, I am thankful for the forever families who are fighting for their children and anxiously awaiting the day they come home. I pray that every one of our kids has a forever family out there.

Honestly, I am scared of what's going to happen to the girls when I leave. I love the girls as if they are my own daughters or younger sisters. Learning to trust God completely and release the girls to him is the hardest thing I've ever done.

It's hard, but it's beautiful. There is truly nothing more beautiful than trusting that God has a plan for every single one of them. He's always provided for them and he's not going to stop. He is their protector, their father, their hope.

So I hold on to the fact that I know he will not leave them as orphans. He will come to them. He will redeem them and give them new life.

I've faced several different reactions to me leaving. I've heard harsh words saying that I never should have come here and formed attachments with the girls only to turn around and leave them. I've been told that six months isn't enough of a sacrifice for the girls. I've been treated with a complete lack of respect or love. I've been hurt by people I once respected and looked up to. I've also heard words spoken out of love and with pure intentions that have hurt me just as deeply. Words such as "I'm so glad you decided to come home and finish your education. You're doing the right thing." Or "Aren't you excited to get out of that country and be back in America?"

I know people speak words like these completely out of love. I know that they miss me. I know that no one truly understands what this experience has been like for me. I've been on the other side of the world with limited contact for six months. No one has been beside me start to finish to see how I've changed. Most people will never be able to understand that my girls have become a part of me. That leaving them is the hardest thing I've ever done. I know that none of my friends will fully understand what it's like to become a mom to twelve children then lose it all within a matter of hours. No one will understand the guilt that I live with knowing that walking away was my choice.

Leaving is hard. To the people who have spoken harsh words, I know that you want what's best for the girls. I'm hurt but thankful that you value their hearts over mine. Your words had some truth. One year would be better for the kids than six months. Two years would be better than a year. But isn't six months better than nothing? Maybe you can't see it because you don't spend every day with the girls like I do. You haven't seen the girls grow and change in the same ways I have. My time here may have been short, but I am so thankful for every single day I've had with my girls. Each day has been beautiful, wonderful, and filled with a new adventure.

To the people who speak kind words about me coming home, please know this isn't easy for me. Yes, I'm excited to see my friends and family. I'm so excited to enroll back in school and pursue a degree that will lead me to fight for social justice. I'm thrilled that in a couple weeks I get to throw my arms around your neck and cry tears of joy. But be aware that my heart is broken. I feel guilty, lost, and full of grief. I'm not the same person I was when I left in June. I just ask that you give me grace and greet me with love and an attitude of understanding. When you ask if I'm glad to be home, expect my answer to be no, not completely. When you ask if I'm okay, know that the answer is no.

I'm not okay, but that's not a bad thing. When I return to the States, I'll have a lot to process and a lot to adjust to. But that's okay. It will just take time.

This is where I'm at. I have fifteen more days with the girls. I wish those fifteen days could last forever. But they'll come to an end faster than I'd like. Then before I know it, I'll be running through the gate in Knoxville and into the arms of everyone I love back home.

It's a good life. I'm thankful for a God who has taught me to find immense joy in times of pain. I'm thankful for a God who makes beautiful things out of us. I'm thankful that I found life here in India. I'm thankful that when I leave, my kids will continue to find freedom and life in Christ. I'm thankful for a God who will not leave any of us as orphans. I'm thankful for a God who comes and meets us where we are.

Recent Milestones

So much has happened in the last month! Nearly all of the girls have reached a new milestone!

Heidi celebrated her 5th birthday on October 14th! It's hard to believe she's five because she's so tiny. A few days before her birthday, I went to a local bakery in Ongole to order her cake. I showed the baker a picture of a minion as Despicable Me is Heidi's favorite movie. I was really just hoping they could draw a minion on with some icing.  Honestly, I wasn't expecting much from this Ongole bakery and wasn't going to be surprised if I picked up the cake and it looked like a little yellow peanut. Needless to say, when Abby and I went to get the cake we were shocked! We took Heidi out earlier in the day to pick out a birthday present. She picked a stuffed dog or "kookah" as our girls call them! (Kookah is the Telugu word for dog). She carried her kookah around with her the rest of the day. We had Heidi's party on the roof of our building in Ongole. We celebrated with cake then broke out a parachute to play with! All of the girls loved waving the parachute up and down. After the party we took let Heidi pick one sister to take to dinner. A few minutes later Abby and I were off to our favorite restaurant, Ramya, with Heidi and Chelsea!

Victoria and Phoebe learned to walk with their guide canes before we left Ongole! When they got home from school either Abby or I would take them on a walk down the street. The roads in Ongole are no easy feat. I was so impressed with how well they did! Since moving to Hyderabad they have continued to use their guide canes. Phoebe even got to take her cane with her on a shopping trip!

Chelsea began talking more! She hasn't mastered full control of her tongue yet, so there are several sounds she cannot make. But that doesn't stop her! She has become vocal about her wants and needs. Abby or I will hear her yelling for us saying "Ca-ee! A-ee!" Her favorite song is Every Move I Make and she LOVES to sing it all the time! I bet you've never heard a cuter rendition.

Jeanette has come a long way in her behaviors. She used to shut down every time she did something wrong. If one of her sisters upset her, she would usually hit them. Then when Abby and I pulled her away to talk about what she had just done, she would cry and refuse to say anything. Now Jeanette is learning appropriate ways to deal with her emotions. She rarely hits her sisters and is learning to talk to Abby and I about her feelings when she gets upset. This is huge for Jeanette and I am so proud of her!

Esther has been receiving individual time with her tutor after school. This has been so good for her. Esther really benefits from one on one time and instruction. But with twelve kids, that's been really hard for Abby and I to give. We break the girls up in small groups as often as we can, but one on one instruction for more than a few minutes is a rare thing. Esther has been thriving with her new tutor! Every day she shows us pictures she colored, things she write, and she loves to recite new songs! She is colored inside the line consistently and learning to write small words.

Since moving to Hyderabad, Paula has made huge strides in her independence. We live on the first story of our house which is so much better for Paula than living on the third floor like we did in Ongole! Paula is able to stay in her wheelchair the entire day at home as well as at school. Our house is so big that she has no problem maneuvering wherever she wants to go. Attached to her bedroom is a huge bathroom that is completely wheelchair accessible! She can wheel herself to the toilet as well as the sink without assistance. She's also transferring herself from her chair to bed every night on her own!

Stephanie is so much happier in Hyderabad. She really loves her new school! I have the hardest time getting through to her sometimes. No matter what I say or do some days Stephanie just sits there completely shut down to anything going on around her. Some days she wets her pants and will sit in it until someone notices and takes her to change. This past week has been amazing for her though! She has started taking initiative and telling either the ayahs or Phoebe when she needs to use the bathroom. Then someone will lead her there. She loves sitting with Abby and I and has become more aware and active in what's going on around her. I'm thrilled that she is coming back out of her shell and asserting herself, but I am overjoyed that she is HAPPY. During the evenings I will sneak a glance at her and she's laughing. In the mornings she is so excited to get ready for school. At bedtime when Abby and I tuck the girls in and sing our bedtime song, she is beside herself with giggles! The other night I really thought she was going to flop out of bed because she was laughing so hard. It nearly brought me to tears seeing a genuine and joy-filled smile across her face.

Jackie celebrated her 6th birthday on November 13th! Her favorite thing to do is dance so what better way to celebrate than with a rave?! For her party we turned down the lights and gave all the girls glow sticks. We danced the night away as we celebrated our spunkiest munchkin becoming another year older! Earlier in the day, Abby and I took her shopping and let her pick out two birthday presents. She got a new necklace and a play doctor kit! She also got mehndi on her hand. Jackie has asked about her birthday every day since a week before Heidi had hers. Needless to say, she was ECSTATIC when the day finally came!

So many of the girls have reached new milestones and we couldn't be more proud of them!

We have a new addition! A sweet little boy named Ian joined our family last week! Can't wait to share more of him with you!

Welcome to Hyderabad!

We've been in Hyderabad for over three weeks now. And what a crazy three weeks it has been! Our first ten days here we were stranded in the basement of another SCH home because our house wasn't ready. The girls were stir crazy by the time we moved in! But the day finally came and we moved into our beautiful new home!

Our house (called Joy Home) is a giant two story house. We live on the first floor. Another group of kids that SCH will soon be getting from the government will live on the second. The amount of space we have is crazy! It's triple the size of our apartment in Ongole.Our house has four bedrooms and 4 1/2 baths. The older girls share one bedroom while the younger ones share another. The rooms are HUGE! Jackie, Heidi, Angel, Chelsea, Jeanette, Esther, Naomi, and Rebekah share the largest room of the house. They have more room than they've ever had in their lives! We are so thankful that SCH picked this beautiful house for our girls! The smallest bedroom in the house has been transformed into a school room where our girls do their homework. They have a tutor who comes every afternoon and helps with homework as well as catching them up in school as most of them are behind a couple years.

The best part of living in Hyderabad is our new schools! Having access to better schools is the main reason we moved. There were no special education resources in Ongole and our girls were not getting the education they needed or deserved. By the time we moved, four of our girls had been kicked out because they "didn't have any ability to learn". Getting all twelve enrolled in various schools was a long and stressful process, but we are thrilled to now see all twelve thriving in their new schools!

Esther, Jackie, Angel, and Chelsea are enrolled at Bachpan Playschool. Bachpan is a top notch preschool with one of the best academic programs in Hyderabad. Chelsea and Angel are in playgroup, the beginning class. Jackie is in nursery, the second level. We are really hoping they will soon see how smart she is and bump her up to LKG with Esther! Esther's class, LKG (lower kindergarten) focuses on learning to read and write small words as well as many other things. The girls love Bachpan and can't wait to put their uniforms on every morning!


Heidi started at Kangaroo Kids Playschool last week. I am so excited to see her thrive in their integrated program. I really think that attending a different school than her sisters will help her to develop appropriate social skills and become more attentive in an academic environment. Heidi loves going to school! She's the first one to leave in the morning (which is hard as she's the slowest of our bunch), but she can't wait to walk out the door and get on her bus every day!

Paula, Naomi, and Rebekah are attending Sparsh Special Education School. We absolutely love Sparsh and have been thrilled with the resources they have access to there! In addition to their education they each receive half an hour of speech therapy, physiotherapy, and occupational therapy every day! They come home with daily reports detailing what they learned and how their therapies went. Naomi and Rebekah have been learning how to jump in physiotherapy and Paula gets leg exercises every day! They are all learning phonics and how to pronounce their ABCs correctly. In occupational therapy they are learning how to correctly hold pencils and are working on fine motor skills.

Phoebe, Victoria, Stephanie, and Jeanette were recently enrolled at Devnar School for the Blind. Devnar is normally a boarding school, but they were happy to let our girls attend during their school day! They are all learning to read and write Braille as well as learning regular academics. They started them out in 1st Class since they didn't learn how to read Braille in Ongole. On the girls' first day we discovered that Phoebe had been enrolled at Devnar several years ago before she came to SCH! She learned Braille then and has continued with it on and off during her years at SCH. She's a really smart girl, and we are hoping she picks it back up quickly and can be promoted to a higher class! Devnar has amazing resources and education for children who are blind. We're really excited about the opportunities the girls will have here!


With school enrollment, comes heavy school fees. Thankfully, four of our girls get to attend school for free!! Victoria, Phoebe, Jeanette, and Stephanie have zero school fees! All they need is $25 a month each for transportation. Victoria and Phoebe's are already covered! Steph and Jeanette still need sponsors. You can become a $25 per month sponsor for Jeanette here and for Stephanie here. Just donate under the School Sponsorship link.

The rest of the girls have some pretty hefty school fees. All of the girls fees cover their tuition, enrollment fees, books, uniforms, field trips/special events, and transportation. We are currently fundraising to cover everything for this semester (now-May). Heidi needs $645. Chelsea, Angel, Jackie, and Esther each need $525. Paula, Naomi, and Rebecca each need $490.

We need $4,215 as soon as possible. I know that's a huge number, but every little bit helps! Could you please donate even just a simple $10 so our girls can go to school? You can donate at www.tinyurl.com/schjoyhomeschoolfees.

Enjoy our Shake It Off music video as you consider donating towards our girls' education!