Following

I haven't been blogging as much as I should, and for that I apologize. So many have you have been following my journey here, supporting me and my girls financially, and praying for us without ceasing. I owe it to you to keep you updated. 

Honestly, I've had a hard month. I have faced a lot of struggles, the hardest being my decision to return home in December. Becoming a foster mom to orphaned children with special needs has always been my dream. Those of you who know me well (and probably some of you who don't) know that I've wanted to do this long before I even knew SCH existed. 

I hear a lot of missionaries tell stories of God bringing them to the last place on earth they ever thought they would be. I've heard accounts of people refusing God at first, saying "No, no, no. Absolutely not. I will not go there; I'm not doing that." It wasn't like that for me when I felt God calling me to come to India. I had wanted this life for years. When I graduated high school, college was the last place I wanted to be in the fall. I wanted to take time off and go care for with orphans with special needs. And with every semester that went by, I hated the life I was living more and more. I wanted to be here with my girls. I longed to be living this life. 

When I made the decision to come to India this six months, it was easy. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that this is where I was supposed to be. I sold my car without a second thought or doubt. I left school, my family, my friends, and every last person I knew with joy in my heart. I miss everyone like crazy, and saying goodbye was definitely hard. But I was filled with inexplicable joy to be following my dream, following God, and move to India. I couldn't wait to be with the girls. My heart was already here. 

So I arrived and began fostering seven girls on my own. Leah lived with us back then. (You can read more about her here). I was living in Ongole by myself and completely overwhelmed. I was lonely. The only Telugu word I knew was kucho which means "sit". I couldn't communicate with anyone. I had no friends here. The temperature ranged from 110-125 every day and my body had never felt so drained. Every time I thought of my mom and friends, I cried. I had no idea how I would make it until December. 

Yet at the same time, I knew I was home. I knew I never wanted to leave. On paper my life looked miserable. I was sick, lonely, culturally inept, everything looked negative. But there was a joy in my heart that turned all of that to dust. I fell head over heels in love with my girls instantly. I became their mom and loved every second of it. I loved helping them reach new milestones. I loved cleaning their poop off the floor for the millionth time that week. I loved laughing with them, playing with them, singing with them. I loved staying up all night with my littlest nugget when she was sick. I loved caring for Leah when she was in the darkest place I had ever seen. I loved it all. I knew this is where I wanted to stay. 

Exactly two months after I first arrived in India, Abby came along. A week earlier I moved six new girls in with my original girls. (Leah was living with another foster family at this point). I became a foster mom to twelve and fell in love with this life even more. I wanted to stay here forever. The thought of returning home in December and not coming back made me sick. How could I ever leave my girls? How could I ever return to the life I had been living? I felt so at home here, so overjoyed and in the center of God's will. So I decided that I would stay indefinitely. I would finish school online and continue to foster my girls until God told me otherwise. 

He told me otherwise a lot sooner than I anticipated. I was crushed. There was no way that I wasn't coming back at least until May. I wanted to give my girls at least a year. I couldn't fathom leaving them in December and not returning to foster them. I love each of my twelve foster daughters more than I have ever loved another person. I really believe the love I have for them is the love a mother has for her children. I would do absolutely anything for them. I would give up everything I had to spend the rest of my life here. I will never stop advocating for them and giving them all the energy and love I have. I wish God's plan for me was to stay in India and continue to foster them. I really do. But He has other plans. 

His plan for me here and now is to return to school and finish my degree. After fostering and living here, I've decided to change my degree so that I can one day pursue a career in something I am truly passionate about. I'm going to study political science, human rights, and law with a goal of one day working towards promoting the rights of children and adults living with disabilities worldwide. While I am beyond excited to pursue this life, I still can't imagine ending this chapter in just six weeks. 

How am I going to tell the girls that I'm leaving and don't know when I'll be back? How am I going to tell them that one day I might visit, but I will never be their foster mom again? How do I tell them that my love for them is deeper than any love I've ever had, yet I still have to leave? The truth is, I don't know how I am going to do any of it. I don't know how I am going to step on a plane in December. I don't have a clue what my life will look like once I'm back in America. Sure, I'll be going to school and have some sort of job. But will I be happy? Will I feel like I am in the center of God's will? Will I miss the girls so much that I cry ten times a day? Will I feel like I've abandoned them and made the biggest mistake of my life even when I know I haven't? I don't know. 

I don't know if I will ever see all twelve of the girls again. Who knows how long it will be before I get to come back and visit. I hope that it is soon, but I have no way of knowing. Some of them may be adopted by then (HALLELUJAH). I know that I may get to be a part of some of the girls lives once they are home, but I may never hear or see a single thing about some of them too. My final goodbyes, hugs, and kisses may come in December. And the hardest part about that is that I have no way of knowing if it is the final goodbye or not. 

It was easy for me to come here. I followed God and trusted him, but that wasn't hard. I wanted to be here. I mentioned earlier how I've heard so many accounts of people following God to the hard places, those hard places being foreign countries and ministries they didn't feel equipped for. It wasn't easy for these people to follow the Lord, yet they did and found immense joy in doing so. I think that's what it is like with me going home. Returning back to America was never a part of my plan. It was never what I wanted. But it's where the Lord is leading me. 

I will follow Him, and trust in Him even when it breaks my heart. I believe that He will rebuild me, heal me, and make me new. I believe that He will take care of my girls and continue to heal them from loss, rejection, and abandonment. I believe that He will not leave any of us as orphans, but that He will come to us. We serve a God that has not left us nor forsaken us. He is a living God who is here with us always. I am so unworthy to serve a God as loving and merciful as ours. Whether I am a mom in India or a student in Tennessee, I serve the Almighty. And I am overjoyed to do so.

Understanding Abandonment

My girls (as well as the other children at SCH) are mostly all orphans due to their disabilities. Most Hindus believe in reincarnation. With that belief, they believe that if someone is born with a disability, they are being punished for something in a former life. It is also believed by some that having a child with a disability is bad karma and a punishment to the parents. Because so many Indians share these beliefs, a lot of children with disabilities are abandoned from birth or a young age.

That sounds absolutely terrible and dreadful, right? It makes you angry that someone would literally throw their own child away or leave them for dead because of their disability. Well it should. It is in no way right, but there is a lot more that goes into abandonment than just religion. I want you to understand what goes through some of these people's heads. Anger is a healthy feeling to have in response to this, but I'm not sure that being angry at the parents is right. Our anger should be directed towards the lack of education, the poverty, and the deeply ingrained culture values that stem from old wives tales and beliefs that are not true.

Can you imagine living in a tent made of roughly sewn together bed sheets and tarps? That is how a huge population of India lives. The "untouchables" are people living in the lowest caste in India. They are often disabled, beggars, and living on next to nothing. In most places in India there is little to no social mobility. Can you imagine living that type of life with no hope of change? Poverty is already such a vicious cycle and almost impossible to escape from. But here there simply isn't an option. You're poor and that is just the way it is. You can't get into a good school (even if you somehow found the money to pay). You can't hold a simple job. These people simply do not have options. Now imagine having a child with a disability. How are you possibly going to care for them? You don't have the money to get them medical care or specialized education. You don't even have the money to feed them. Sometimes it seems like the only choice is abandonment.

Now imagine being a 17-24 year old girl awaiting marriage. You have no say in the matter, as your parents are picking your husband. They decide to pick someone they know and trust from your village. He also happens to be your second cousin. This happens far to often in Indian culture, especially in villages where ancient religion trumps modern education. Most girls have no say in who they marry, and even if they did, would they know not to marry family members? Would they know that the likelihood of having a child with a birth defect, deformity, or disability is alarmingly high? Probably not. Would they even know a single negative effect or risk of marrying a family member? Unfortunately, most people probably have no idea.

One more scenario: imagine having a child with a disability and loving them with everything you had. You look at your child and see that they are perfect. Your child is everything you have ever dreamed of and more. But then you remember that if people in your village find out about your son/daughter, they will shun you. More than likely you will lose your job. You might not be allowed back in your temple. Your other children could be denied education. You look down at your child and realize that they might mean a life living on the streets or in the slums, struggling to obtain food and water. Then you realize that in this culture, the only thing you feel like you can do is abandon them. Hopefully they will be found by someone who can give them the resources they need and you can continue to provide for your family. Imagine the heartbreak and loss in that scenario.

These are some of the reasons kids are abandoned here. And trust me, there are many more. It is a messed up and lost system. A system in desperate need of better education and resources. It is heartbreaking, awful, and sad.

If we ever want to end the orphan epidemic, we cannot solely focus on adoption. Yes, adoption is critically needed. There are over 142 million orphans worldwide. Every single one of those kids needs a family. They by no means all need to be adopted to America or another developed country. Many of them living in other countries would benefit most from being adopted by families in their own country. But if adoption is our sole focus, are we really looking to the root of the problem? Kids will continue to be abandoned. The world is in desperate need of education and resources to aid families. People need support in raising children. If they feel that they cannot care for a child, they need resources to do so. People need to know that help and support is not only out there, but attainable. People need to be educated on how to raise multiple children, children with disabilities, or critical illnesses. They need to be educated on the effects of gendercide, and the value and equality of women. They need to know that every child is worthy of life despite gender, medical condition, ability, or social class.

In order for change to be brought about in the orphan epidemic, people all over the world need to be educated. There needs to be resources in place to aid families who feel like abandonment is the only option. We as well off citizens of our developed and educated countries have to speak up for these people. We need to bring awareness to the root of this epidemic. We need to unite together with a vision and fire to end the abandonment of children. We need to help these families.

Join with me in spreading awareness and understanding of why children are abandoned in other cultures. Help me campaign for education and resources to families who feel like there is no other option. Share this blog. Research ways you can help. Tell your friends and coworkers. Spread the word.

"Every human life is worth the same, and worth saving." - JK Rowling. Let's save these kids lives by keeping them with their families.