Following

I haven't been blogging as much as I should, and for that I apologize. So many have you have been following my journey here, supporting me and my girls financially, and praying for us without ceasing. I owe it to you to keep you updated. 

Honestly, I've had a hard month. I have faced a lot of struggles, the hardest being my decision to return home in December. Becoming a foster mom to orphaned children with special needs has always been my dream. Those of you who know me well (and probably some of you who don't) know that I've wanted to do this long before I even knew SCH existed. 

I hear a lot of missionaries tell stories of God bringing them to the last place on earth they ever thought they would be. I've heard accounts of people refusing God at first, saying "No, no, no. Absolutely not. I will not go there; I'm not doing that." It wasn't like that for me when I felt God calling me to come to India. I had wanted this life for years. When I graduated high school, college was the last place I wanted to be in the fall. I wanted to take time off and go care for with orphans with special needs. And with every semester that went by, I hated the life I was living more and more. I wanted to be here with my girls. I longed to be living this life. 

When I made the decision to come to India this six months, it was easy. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that this is where I was supposed to be. I sold my car without a second thought or doubt. I left school, my family, my friends, and every last person I knew with joy in my heart. I miss everyone like crazy, and saying goodbye was definitely hard. But I was filled with inexplicable joy to be following my dream, following God, and move to India. I couldn't wait to be with the girls. My heart was already here. 

So I arrived and began fostering seven girls on my own. Leah lived with us back then. (You can read more about her here). I was living in Ongole by myself and completely overwhelmed. I was lonely. The only Telugu word I knew was kucho which means "sit". I couldn't communicate with anyone. I had no friends here. The temperature ranged from 110-125 every day and my body had never felt so drained. Every time I thought of my mom and friends, I cried. I had no idea how I would make it until December. 

Yet at the same time, I knew I was home. I knew I never wanted to leave. On paper my life looked miserable. I was sick, lonely, culturally inept, everything looked negative. But there was a joy in my heart that turned all of that to dust. I fell head over heels in love with my girls instantly. I became their mom and loved every second of it. I loved helping them reach new milestones. I loved cleaning their poop off the floor for the millionth time that week. I loved laughing with them, playing with them, singing with them. I loved staying up all night with my littlest nugget when she was sick. I loved caring for Leah when she was in the darkest place I had ever seen. I loved it all. I knew this is where I wanted to stay. 

Exactly two months after I first arrived in India, Abby came along. A week earlier I moved six new girls in with my original girls. (Leah was living with another foster family at this point). I became a foster mom to twelve and fell in love with this life even more. I wanted to stay here forever. The thought of returning home in December and not coming back made me sick. How could I ever leave my girls? How could I ever return to the life I had been living? I felt so at home here, so overjoyed and in the center of God's will. So I decided that I would stay indefinitely. I would finish school online and continue to foster my girls until God told me otherwise. 

He told me otherwise a lot sooner than I anticipated. I was crushed. There was no way that I wasn't coming back at least until May. I wanted to give my girls at least a year. I couldn't fathom leaving them in December and not returning to foster them. I love each of my twelve foster daughters more than I have ever loved another person. I really believe the love I have for them is the love a mother has for her children. I would do absolutely anything for them. I would give up everything I had to spend the rest of my life here. I will never stop advocating for them and giving them all the energy and love I have. I wish God's plan for me was to stay in India and continue to foster them. I really do. But He has other plans. 

His plan for me here and now is to return to school and finish my degree. After fostering and living here, I've decided to change my degree so that I can one day pursue a career in something I am truly passionate about. I'm going to study political science, human rights, and law with a goal of one day working towards promoting the rights of children and adults living with disabilities worldwide. While I am beyond excited to pursue this life, I still can't imagine ending this chapter in just six weeks. 

How am I going to tell the girls that I'm leaving and don't know when I'll be back? How am I going to tell them that one day I might visit, but I will never be their foster mom again? How do I tell them that my love for them is deeper than any love I've ever had, yet I still have to leave? The truth is, I don't know how I am going to do any of it. I don't know how I am going to step on a plane in December. I don't have a clue what my life will look like once I'm back in America. Sure, I'll be going to school and have some sort of job. But will I be happy? Will I feel like I am in the center of God's will? Will I miss the girls so much that I cry ten times a day? Will I feel like I've abandoned them and made the biggest mistake of my life even when I know I haven't? I don't know. 

I don't know if I will ever see all twelve of the girls again. Who knows how long it will be before I get to come back and visit. I hope that it is soon, but I have no way of knowing. Some of them may be adopted by then (HALLELUJAH). I know that I may get to be a part of some of the girls lives once they are home, but I may never hear or see a single thing about some of them too. My final goodbyes, hugs, and kisses may come in December. And the hardest part about that is that I have no way of knowing if it is the final goodbye or not. 

It was easy for me to come here. I followed God and trusted him, but that wasn't hard. I wanted to be here. I mentioned earlier how I've heard so many accounts of people following God to the hard places, those hard places being foreign countries and ministries they didn't feel equipped for. It wasn't easy for these people to follow the Lord, yet they did and found immense joy in doing so. I think that's what it is like with me going home. Returning back to America was never a part of my plan. It was never what I wanted. But it's where the Lord is leading me. 

I will follow Him, and trust in Him even when it breaks my heart. I believe that He will rebuild me, heal me, and make me new. I believe that He will take care of my girls and continue to heal them from loss, rejection, and abandonment. I believe that He will not leave any of us as orphans, but that He will come to us. We serve a God that has not left us nor forsaken us. He is a living God who is here with us always. I am so unworthy to serve a God as loving and merciful as ours. Whether I am a mom in India or a student in Tennessee, I serve the Almighty. And I am overjoyed to do so.