Learning to Love

I've been thinking about what to write in my next blog post for several days now. So much has been happening here, and there have been endless amounts of things on my mind! I guess I'll just start by giving you all a run down of what's been going on.

We've had trouble with Paula's school. Paula has cerebral palsy, and she cannot walk. She can get around by crawling fairly well, but she still moves much slower than other children. Paula has a wheelchair which she uses at home, but her school has never allowed her to bring it. I planned on going to school with her this past Monday to advocate for her and try to convince her principal that she needed her wheelchair. Paula's incredibly motivated to learn, and she has so much potential. But if she is using all her concentration and might just to sit up, then there is no way she will be able to focus on her school work.

Last week Paula's school told us that unless Paula could get on and off the bus at a normal speed like other children, she could no longer attend. This made me angry as I thought how much her life would be different if she were in America. There would be a bus with a wheelchair lift that comes to her home every day. She wouldn't have to worry about people discriminating against her because of her disability. She could get the specialized education she needs and really thrive. But we're not in America; we are in India.

So I began to plan what I was going to say to her teachers. An SCH staff member was going to go with me so that I could advocate for her without worrying about language barriers. I was determined to fight for my girl and have her in school with her wheelchair.

That never happened.

Monday morning we got a call saying Paula was no longer welcomed at school. The reason they gave was dumb and had absolutely nothing to do with her mobility challenges. Paula had been sick the week before and came home early one day. The school said she is no longer welcome because she had been sick at school. They didn't want her "infecting other children". I was furious as Paula only had a stomach bug. She was kicked out over something that happens to every kid at some point in their life. Personally, I think they were just looking for a  reason to kick her out because she is different.

We began brainstorming what to do next in regards to Paula's education. I sat down with her on Monday and began working with her on basic academic skills such as colors, numbers, shapes, and letters. I found that Paula doesn't actually know most of what I quizzed her on. She can recite the alphabet and count, but if I put an A in front of her and asked her what letter it was, she had no idea.  Unfortunately, most of what Paula had been learning was memorization. She has little knowledge to the concepts behind them.

So we decided to homeschool her. Paula now has a private tutor whom she goes to each day. She also spends time with me every day learning the alphabet, learning English, and working on speech.

I've really been struggling with how to effectively discipline my girls while at the same time making sure they know how much I love them. I've had the hardest time with Leah.

There isn't much we know about Leah's past but this. Leah was found wandering around a railway station a little over two months ago. She was brought to a government run orphanage and within a week transferred to SCH. We don't know if she was abandoned that recently, if she had been on her own for awhile, or if someone else had been trying to take care of her. 

Leah came to SCH speaking and understanding only Hindi (the language spoken here is Telugu). Her speech is often times intelligible, but she is so smart. She already understands most Telugu and she is understanding a lot of what I say to her in English. I don't think Leah has an intellectual disability. She is probably behind academically due to lack of education and she definitely has a speech problem, but she is a really smart kid. But she has some major behavior issues. 

Most of her behavior problems I'm sure stem from whatever her past may be. She hits the other girls really hard whenever she's mad or doesn't get her way. Every time I tell her in a stern voice "No beating Leah!" I often times grab her hands and put them by her sides, trying to demonstrate that we keep our hands to ourselves. Every time this happens she looks up at me and I can see the confusion in her eyes. She doesn't understand why she is suddenly getting in trouble for hitting. This is probably something she has done her entire life. If she did something wrong, she was hit. If another child did something wrong, she hit them. That has probably been the norm for her for a long time. 

So I struggle with how to effectively discipline her. She needs to know this behavior and several others are not ok. But the fact that it is not ok is such a foreign concept to her. Sometimes I will tell another one of my girls to do something (or not to do something) and if they don't listen, Leah will run up and hit them. She looks at me with a smile on her face, pointing to the other child. It breaks my heart. She thinks she is helping me. She is trying so hard to do the right thing, but she has such a skewed concept of what that is. 

My heart aches as I try to find the best way to discipline her. She needs to know these behaviors are not ok. But she isn't doing them for the same reasons most kids are. She thinks she is doing the right thing when in fact, she's doing the opposite. I don't want her to think she is being punished for trying to help me. I want her to know she is being punished for hitting. But those things are one in the same in her mind. 

I also don't want to punish her (or any of my girls) in a way that might make them relive some of the trauma they have in their past. That's so hard because I don't know what that is. If I raise my voice does that inflict emotional pain as they remember someone who yelled at them and beat them? The other day Leah was supposed to be in time out and I could not get her to sit down. I had tried to physically box her in so she couldn't get up and it just wasn't working. I ended up sending her to her room for a few minutes. Yesterday I found out that's a terrible thing to do for a child who has been abandoned. It promotes ideas of separation and abandonment in their minds. My heart ached as I began to regret that I had unknowingly caused her more harm than good in that moment. 

Later on I cried and begged God to give me wisdom. I don't know how to effectively discipline Leah. I have no clue how to teach her what is right and wrong without unintentionally bringing up things from her past. I want to be a source of light in her life. I want her to look at me and feel Christ's love for her. I pray every day that I am a beacon for his light on my girls.

So much more has been happening here and I am excited to share all of it with you! However this post has already turned into quite the novel. I have several more things to say, but I'll save them for another post in a couple days. :)